I remember back in the nineties a certain buzz word: codependent or codependency. Do you remember it? Strictly speaking, it refers to the relationship that a person has with another individual who displays controlling or dysfunctional behavior. An example would be an alcoholic who is verbally abusive to his wife, or a overly critical parent who berates their adult child. The one individual is totally preoccupied with the needs of the dysfunctional individual at the expense of their own. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship. Again, in the textbook sense, the controller is characterized as a narcissist and the other as displaying low self esteem. This relationship goes beyond the typical parent- child caregiver relationship. Surely, we put our children's needs ahead of our own when they are very young. But unless we totally disregard our own needs, this relationship is not codependent. Codependency refers to the complete preoccupation one individual has for the other.
I was in a codependent relationship once. I never knew if this person was going to be nice to me that day or not. I was told that I was a below standard partner, and that is why I was receiving negative feedback from him. I read book after book on how I could be a better mate. I was told to go to counseling to improve my behavior. I analyzed all my flaws and tried as hard as I could to improve. However, these "improvements" didn't seem to change the relationship. In fact, things deteriorated, and it became physical. I then stopped analyzing my behavior. I started looking at the relationship. I saw the codependency pattern. Eventually, I became a really bad partner-I left the relationship.
But now I am in another codependent relationship. This one is between my son with autism, Blake, and myself. It's a necessary codependent relationship. My entire universe revolves around him. Being that he is prone to meltdowns, aggressive behavior, and self-injuries, I must be on constant alert. I watch his every move every moment I am with him. I analyze his facial expressions for signs of distress. He's a jumper. He jumps if he is really happy or if he is really upset. Therefore, when he starts jumping, which is fairly frequently, I have to figure out if it is a happy jump or a distressed jump. He verbally stims a great deal. Again, I must decide if I think his noises are indicative of a positive state of existence or the opposite. It can go either way.
Like a wife who is married to a wife beater or someone who has a hair trigger, I often tiptoe around my son. I do whatever I can to keep things calm. Blake likes his life predictable, so I utilize several techniques with him to keep him "in the know." he has a visual board which displays photos of all of his daily activities. His life is fairly routine. I don't put much pressure on him, though he does complete a lot of his daily chores on his own terms. If something is going to change, I alert him and try to prepare him in advance. Sometimes this is a successful strategy-sometimes not so much.
Everything is wonderful in my universe if everything is wonderful in Blake's. And visa versa. If this isn't codependency, I don't know what is.
Sometimes, I try to reverse the dynamics. I try and exude lots of happiness when I am around Blake. My hope is that my joy will "rub off" on him and make him happy. Sometimes it works. I get Blake to laugh and smile by doing it first. I realize it's still codependency. I know it's similar to a person who tries to control the situation in a volatile relationship by trying to be ultra sweet to the other person. But whenever Blake laughs and smiles, my heart is full. It's like a drug for me. Luckily, he's happy most of the time, and the bad moods are the exception rather than the rule. So I get my "fix" frequently. Which means my life is wonderful most of the time.
But when he is agitated, things go down the tubes fairly quickly. If I am lucky, he can get himself out of it without doing harm to himself or others by jumping up and down or pacing around his padded room for about fifteen minutes. For that period of time, my stomach is in a knot. When it's over, I start breathing again. Sometimes, the jumping and pacing don't work, and we are into a full blown meltdown with the need for strong male caregivers assisting to keep everyone safe. When that episode is over, I need my own recovery period.
Codependency. It's necessary sometimes.
12 comments:
Tiptoeing seems to be a fact of life for me...I learned it well from my mom who taught us all to tiptoe around my father..and now my husband, with whom I was married to for 11 years, trying to have his child and when I had triplets he said I had screwed that up by having more than one..he only wanted one...didn't you get that dummy? and I had one with so many disabilities..not only had his brain stopped growing in uterus but he had a heart condition (VSD)and he had off the chart autism.I divorced him after he backed me in a corner and was beating on me and I looked down at our sons, who were one at the time, screaming and crying in fear. But after being divorced for 5 years I remarried him since he would have nothing to do with his sons and instead moved in with a lady and her grandchildren (her daughter was in prison) and treated the grandchildren better than his own. Now my other two sons are out of the house..my husband is retired due to being burned and almost dying last year. I work full time and took my husband to so many therapies and specialist last year..and now this year he treats me like I am a piece of garbage who is useless and he sleeps on the couch. I work evenings and we have help with our son in the evening while I am working. We are celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary and his 58th birthday today, by not speaking and trying not to look at each other. When we do go anywhere together he makes a point of looking at other women until they notice him and then they laugh at me for being with someone who treats me so disrespectful. He has screamed at me about how much he hates me...mostly because I have become the bad mate and refuse to try and please him anymore...and really have ceased to care how he feels since he ceased a long time ago to care how I feel. My son has aged out of school (the triplets are now 22)and is now at home full time since there are no day programs...He seems both accepting and agitated by this. The risperdol he takes is helpful in controlling his outbursts and self injurious behavior. But now he has a new behavior that is so hard to deal with. He refuses to leave stores or businesses or anywhere sometimes and no one can figure out why. We promise him pizza or McDonald's..we try to take him to the bathroom or ask what he wants and all he seems to want to do is stay in the store. We have to wait an hour or two sometimes before he wants to leave the store and then he runs in the street and we have to corral him and sometimes use force to get him in the car..I am a nervous wreck by the end of this ordeal and most of the time want to cry and scream "why why why me".
I feel your pain. I stopped taking my son out by myself four years ago. Actually, he usually goes out with at least two of us to be on the safe side
I too am a recovering codependent and I have a child with special needs. I know the feeling of walking on eggshells and hanging on a person's every move to make sure things are ok, doing whatever I can to appease or control to avoid difficult situations and how hard it can be to just let things be and roll out the way they may and being ok with that. Here is the Serenity Prayer for you, for all of us:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Happy thoughts and prayers to you Snaccers and also to the person who commented. I too feel your pain.
Wanted to say also, this prayer is universal... you can replace the words in this prayer that fit your idea of a higher power.
Thanks, AS for your thoughts and for your prayer.
I was feeling pretty low last night - for the second time in not so long a space of time, I was accused of being codependent with my son, named Blake, JUST like yours. I tried googling, knowing that probably wouldn't yield any fruitful results, and then this blog you wrote came up and I felt so touched and heartened in this. YES!!! I am codependent by no choice of my own, but it is the life we lead with special needs and autism. There is no other way and both times those comments came from moms who do NOT have a child as we do. I appreciate this blog so much - it made me feel so much better than I was before I read it. And you wrote it a month after my son Blake was born.
So glad I found this. My adult child is 25 and has CP, seizures and cognitive and developmental delays. I'm so weary and worn out from not just her consuming needs but how I've been so boundary less with her. It's been bad for us both. I want to move out of her room. I sleep on a trundle bed. I wake beside her wheelchair. It's my nightstand. My husband has stopped fussing about my doing this. She's so overly dependent on me she doesn't sign or make requests to him when I'm gone on an errand.Ive read the boundaries books but it's so hard to change within. I've always indulged her saying yes so much she can't cope when I say no and screams and bites till I give in. I'm ashamed of this. I finally got a large playpen that folds out in seconds and put her in it when she gets violent. It's safe and has plenty of room to scoot around till she calms. Wish I had known way back what I know now but here I am still stuck in this pattern with her. I've learned alot about myself (my lack of definition and boundaries)through counseling and reading Henry Clouds books such as Changes that Heal but here I am still in her room. I need to get a monitor first. Then make a plan. Yes I can relate to everyone here on this forum. She used to dream when we'd go to stores and we'd end up leaving. Her sisters went thru so much stress. She'd pull their hair in the car or pinch them. They still love her. I put her on a dairy free diet and that helped. Thinking of doing the Keto as well. I can never do enough for her. Her life is consuming. She does give lots of hugs and kisses thankfully now more of that than the bad stuff. I've done a ton of nutrition research over the years and have now taken her to a craniosacral practitioner. I must start making her more independent like with sleepinf. I'm 57 and have my health problems. God bless everyone doing this very hard thing out of love for our special children.
Your honesty is refreshing..not a parent but someone who lost a very close relative “Lynn” (61) in same situation—daughter “Sally” now 42 with Dad “Dan”. Lynn did EVERYTHING for Sally and you began to hear not so nice whispers of martyr syndrome.. years fell off the calendar, friends dropped coming around because Sally wouldn’t let her mom have a minute. It was awkward. She was an extension of Lynn to be either accepted or ignored, Lynn’s rule... There has never been the word ‘no’ in Sally’s world. She has 3 younger brothers who have become fine young men and left the house without looking back. Lynn didn’t allow theirs friends over because Sally had none—you get the picture, if Sally ‘can’t, you won’t’… Life has revolved around Sally.. Sally has spastic CP, severe cognitive and development delay. Lynn would interpret her words. Dan was kept at a distance which he welcomed if you looked closely. Sadly it was watching a fractured family who catered to the things LYNN demanded of others when it came to Sally. Over the years, family would say Sally’s a brat or a bitch. This poor soul doesn’t have the cognitive ability to be either… Family gatherings stopped being fun when they turned into what one grandparent called the command performance for Sally and Lynn. So extraordinarily sad. Dan really wasn’t allowed in the picture. He never fed, lifted, bathed or had much interaction with Sally. When Sally would gurgle you’d often hear Dan ask what is that suppose to mean. Two years ago, Lynn was sitting with Sally and had a massive heart attack and died. Sons are out of state. Dan asked relative after relative to come live with him and Sally and help take care of her. He’s hurt so many said no. I am Sally’s Godmother. I went over there one day and Dan asked me to bathe Sally. I’m 68 and won’t lift her. I told him he needed an aide to help but was told Lynn wouldn’t like that. I felt bad on the ride home thinking this is still so bad. Dan too is 68. I went back a few times, it was always uncomfortable as Dan offered me money to take Sally out for the day or the beauty parlor or anything. Hate me if you like, I too, have blocked Dan on my phone and have moved into the friends and relatives who “dropped”. Hard hard lesson—Sally should be in a home with 24/7 care and Dan should work on his relationship with his sons. Lynn’s co dependency with Sally has sunk a lot of ships but none more than with her life’s partner who sat by quietly for years waiting for her to ever be there for him…. Sally doesn’t have the cognition to understand what involves her care or any decision making about her. I truly ache for you Wanda as does your husband in another room…
I find the term co dependent to be very insulting when it is used as a negative judgement against parents who care for children with neurocognitive deficits and significant disability. The job of caring for a disabled family member is difficult enough without these horrible subjective judgements held by people in the psychiatric community
I feel this kind of negative judgent and abuse hurled toward carers of disabled family members needs to stop. It's not out fault that we had a child with Fragile X, Downs syndrome, Cerebral palsy , Autism......
These children are very vulnerable and need protection, support and care.
I appreciate these follow up comments. Yes. It was not our choice and those who don’t understand have no idea. Labeling us as codependent is a statement of their inability to walk in our shoes.
Not going to use the “co” word but there are times when a child so medically fragile might be better placed in a home that has medically trained staff round the clock to care for these children, especially if the parents are elderly. Very hard decision
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